Waking dreams

So the other evening I had what I'd call a waking nightmare. I was getting ready for bed. I'd spent the evening feeling very sick and horrible, and as I was climbing under the covers hoping that sleep would help to erase the bad day - a thought popped into my head.
What if I never wake up?

It came through with such clarity, such an affirmation that this would happen.
If I closed my eyes I would never wake up again. What a terrifying thought.
I sat wide eyed for awhile in bed, too creeped out to go to sleep. Cried a little at the thought of what I'd miss out on in my life if I did never wake up.
Vladdy came to bed and gave me a cuddle and assured me he would do his best to wake me up no matter what.

But...despite the fact that I did wake up the next morning. And the morning after that...my brain now keeps jumping back to that panic-inducing thought.
What if I died tomorrow? Have I done everything I want to do? Have I reached that plateau of happiness that seems to be everyone's goal in life?

I think the answer is "not quite". I'm working on it - but havent quite gotten there yet.
I hope the next few nights of sleep will be peaceful and maybe once this bad dream has faded from memory I can work on acheiving the happiness I really, truly want.

I'm dreaming of a....

White Christmas.
Ummm. Can I say yeah right? Why do the radio stations/shopping centres/supermarkets persist in playing this tune and many others ("Let it Snow" for one) when the sun is out and blaring?

I think I complain about this every year. But, damnit, it irritates me the same every year!

Why is there snowmen on our wrapping paper? And snowflakes?
Sure they're pretty but not at all relevant to a Southern Hemisphere Christmas.
For one thing half of Australia has never even SEEN snow let alone built a snowman. So is this left over ideals from our British forefathers & mothers?

Or is it just that no one can think up a fresh idea?

Expecting...

I was on a busy, crowded train home the other evening. Vladdy and I were seperated by the large group of sardines squashed into the carriage so I didnt really have anyone to talk to. So I just stood in my corner and held on as best I could so I wouldnt fall over.

About halfway into the ride home a lady caught my eye, looked at my stomach and then offered me a seat.
All I can presume from this is that she thought I was pregnant. I declined the offer by shaking my head and turning a bright shade of red.
I would have let this go and not thought another thing about it (or tried to) if 5 minutes later ANOTHER woman offered me her seat aswell.

Yes, I am currently a bit overweight. Nothing major - but it all seems to be focused on my stomach. I am eating better and exercising more to try and help the situation. Bailey and I are going for walks a lot.

But just to clarify to the world...I am NOT pregnant. Just fat.
If I were pregnant - I'd be letting myself eat whatever the hell I wanted! No more sensible eating plans - bring on the cravings!!

I'd just like to say....

...I am still a Star Wars fan.

I've been feeling terrible about not posting on the forums or not watching the movies enough...

But in my own way I am remaining true to my fandom. My collection slowly grows with Princess Leia memorabilia.

What I'd like more than anything now is a place to put them and display them properly...my salvaged bookshelves are beginning to get a bit crowded.

(P.S - this is still not everything, there are also 4 boxes of Star Wars collectables in the wardrobe)

Hot & Humid Days...

It has been very hard the last few days. My emotions have been volatile and all over the place. It seems that when you come off anti-depressants you have to learn how to feel all over again - you were so numb on the pills that you forget how overwhelming emotions can be.

I have thrown some giant temper tantrums as my anger has often crept up and surprised me. Killed the vacuum cleaner in one rage. Nearly destroyed the house phone in another.
Crying is easier, I can burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Over silly things too like RSPCA commercials on TV.

But on the other hand - the laughter is coming easier too. I can laugh for longer and louder.

So I guess I have to take the bad with the good

There are still downs

So. Not sure if I announced it or not - and I cant be bothered reading back over my many wordy posts - but I'm now medication free.
I have been existing on my own without anti-depressant help for a month now.
I had my first big drop on the weekend, where I cried for nearly 4 hours and it took a lot of encouragement and kind words to get me out of bed and back on my feet.

*sigh*

You can never really escape it....

Like...I'm so over it.

To the two girls I sat next to while working Overtime last night - you are the stupidest people I have ever had the privilege of listening to.

To a friend

Life can be hard sometimes. It can send you to the depths of the darkness and entrap you there, even though you have done nothing to deserve it.
Often it is other people who place you there. They put their own opinions, prejudices and dark thoughts on you so it weighs you down until you sink.

While in this murky world you can see nothing other than the pain that surrounds you and it feels like you cannot escape.
That you do not deserve anything other than the pain.
That you will drown in darkness.

There is a little voice within you that tells you things. It says you dont deserve it, it says you're not good enough, it says you'll never amount to anything.

My voice was in the form of my younger self. A young girl trapped in a school uniform, bound by her inner bullies. Crying. Always crying and hurting.

Speak to it, find out it's gripes. Find out WHY your inner voice is so bent on making you unhappy
And if it cant play nice and co-operate then inform it of the old adage - that if it has nothing nice to say then say nothing at all.
Tell it to shut up.

Silence the voice. Listen to your heart.

You deserve the fresh air on your face, redness in your cheeks, a smile on your lips.
You are young, smart and funny. The world is at your doorstep.
Be young and make mistakes. Be smart and STILL make mistakes. Then turn around and laugh at the mistakes you have made.
You have earnt the right to be happy and free with your life.

Life is for living (and all those other cliches).

It may seem like a lot of gibberish. A post full of cliches and mushy words.
It may seem like an impossibility. A lot of nonsense.

But...I cant believe that. I made it out of the darkness....so I have to believe that others will follow and find their way out too.
I dont want to see anyone else living with the same affliction I have suffered. I want to help.
Unfortunately my help seems to be coming in the form of some mad ranting & raving...

But I'm sitting here with my brand new life stretching out before me...and I can only hope that you will one day be sitting in this same position watching your life's endless possibilities unwind before you...

*squishes to all*

And now for something completely different

So. There is news to be shared and developments to be announced.

The foremost of which is this:
I am engaged.

While on holiday in Queensland, and enjoying the night lights of Brisbane, Vladdy got down on one knee and proposed.

The happiness was only disrupted once: when my engagement ring met with a bad end at Movieworld. Somewhere in the first 40mins of our day at the theme park (in the first 12 hours of ring ownership, and the first 5 hours of ring wearer-ship) the diamond that was settled so prettily in the ring fell out.

We searched the Shrek 4D theatre with the help of the green-tight wearing Movieworld staff and my suitcase, clothing and handbag got torn inside and out. But the diamond is gone.

The jeweller is now replacing the stone - at no charge - so I will be able to flash my shiny ring around next week at some point.

My parents, sister, grandparents all cried at our announcement. I've been given hugs & kisses galore - and I think Vladdy is starting to have a panic attack at the idea of having a wedding.

Not so much the part of marrying me (because he asked, he cant get out of this now) but having my bawling family on hand to watch the event.

But! I'm happy. Two years ago I was in a very dark place, and now everything seems so bright and optimistic. I am in love and being loved by someone wonderful - and they want to marry me!

ME! The shy girl who thought she would be alone forever. She is going to have a wedding day!

.......

Two jobs. Very busy now. Brain no longer functions after 5pm

The Good News

I'm still employed! I got the (kinda) promotion.
I will be learning how to run the pays for this new little project over the next few days...and will probably be in charge of it all by the end of next week (eek!).

It doesnt look too involved, just an extension on what I do now.

I get a payrise - an extra $1 an hour - which may not seem like much, but it all adds up.

I would've announced the grand news earlier but my stupid computer wouldnt let me log in to blogger...

So yes! Happy now! Feeling much better!

Too many chocolate chip cookies

So. Drama. Just when my life was starting to get under control I get Drama.

There are currently two positions held in my department that are (I was told yesterday) going to get merged into one job. I hold one of those positions.
Which means I have the potential to be unemployed in the very near future.
True there is also a chance that I get to keep my job in the newly formed position, get some more work and a payrise to go with it....
But that is still not enough to keep me from panicking and feeling very out of control of my life.

What is complicating matters is that the other girl who holds the second position took the information/newly created job description away last night to think on it.
And she hasnt turned up to work today.

So. I've no idea where things are standing.
I could be competing with her to keep the job here, or I could be the only one who volunteered to stay and take on the responsibility.

Either way - the lack of information is not helping anything. I dont know whether to update my resume, start looking for other jobs or start counting how I'm going to spend my payrise.

So. I'm stuffing my face with chocolate chip cookies and trying to just get through to the weekend without crying (much).

Things you dont know about your parents...

My Dad was in the New Zealand Navy for a great number of years. We never really knew what was involved in his working life - as kids we knew he disappeared for a few months at a time and came back with presents.
As grown ups we were more cautious about asking questions - and were (are?) probably a bit more self-involved in our own lives.
My Dad is also not exactly forthcoming with information. He'll just shrug his shoulders and get on with whatever is in front of him, the past doesnt come into it so much.

We had a family dinner on Sunday and for some reason my mother got it into her head that we should learn more about our father's history. So we all got to ask a question and get some history explained.

We now know what all his medals are for - among them a medal for witnessing (attending?) a nuclear bomb test by the French at Mururoa Atoll. He's got photos.
The others are for his participation in the Gulf War and East Timor conflict.

He also told us some super-spy business his ship had a hand in during the Gulf War but I dont want to go into specifics in case the US government come for me (I've seen conspiracy TV shows! I know how things work!).

He was also a Navy Diver. And as the police force in New Zealand did not have a diving team at the time, the Navy were responsible for a lot of recoveries. Body recoveries. Suicides who dove off the Auckland Harbour Bridge - as well as recovery from the Rainbow Warrior.

One particular event made him quit the diving team and focus on other naval pursuits. It involved a car crash in the Waikato River, the current had carried the car and they had been unable to find the wreckage - and the teenagers in it. About 2 weeks after the accident they pulled the teenage boys out of the river and onto the bank - and witnessed one of the fathers trying to resuscitate his son.

My Dad has seen some bad things in his life. I guess I can understand why he doesnt really discuss it that much with his children - it does not paint such a pretty picture of the world.

But despite this - my Dad has made it through it all. Has raised some hopeful & well-mannered children (or I'd like to think so).
And can now sit back and enjoy the rest of his life - with no bad things to come his way.

Time flies like the wind, and fruit flies like bananas.

Life is moving steadily forward - it's nearly the end of July and we will soon be venturing into August. Where is this year going?

Just to inform the general public (who no doubt follow my life story with an addictive passion) I am now down to a half dose of my anti-depressants (75mg) and am starting on the next phase of halving this dose again (37.5mg).

I have not experienced any trouble with this at all - no nausea, brain zaps, vertigo or the other horrid things I was plagued with during my first attempt at withdrawal.
I am SO relieved that I did go for a second opinion.
Dont ever let someone tell you that you cant do something!
Especially if you have that inner voice telling you that you CAN do it.

The positive news (yes, there's more!) is that I am in a fantastic mood. With the lowering of the dosage comes a freedom and a personality I thought I'd lost.
I am laughing and smiling more, breathing easier, and enjoying life.
It seems that anti-depressants may quash all emotions and feelings rather than just the bad ones - which makes sense. How can a little pill know what the difference between emotions are?

I have not cried for months (unless you count bawling during Disney's "Eight Below" - which was totally justified. They survived six months on their own in the Antarctic!).
I have had my grumpy days and my tired days - but it's much easier to bounce back.

It's especially easy to bounce back from all the bad stuff (which is very rare now) when my year is getting full of so many fun things to look forward to:
there's a holiday to Queensland in September, puppy training classes every Sunday, art classes every Monday (will post a pic of my first finished canvas tonight), homes to daydream about buying (and nag Vladdy about).

Life is good!

300 & Official

There's two things to be made official - I have reached a positive feedback level of 300 on eBay.
And I am now an Australian.
And no - I did not buy 300 things off eBay - my goodness no! I'm a buyer/seller/ebay id loaner to friends & family.
And yes - I really am an Australian.
I shook the Mayor's hand, got a pretty certificate and have a native Australian plant that I will undoubtedly kill (green thumb that I'm not).

Bad, Bad fangirl!

I am a slack Star Wars fan. I have not watched a film or brought any shiny (or not so shiny) collectables for ages. I seem to have fallen off the Star Wars planet and I try to find my way back but...sometimes it seems too far away!

I DID go to see One Man Star Wars - he was here for the Melbourne Comedy Festival - I even got front row seats and was in hysterics through the whole thing...but...I mean.....

I'm a bad, bad Star Wars fan!
My subscription to the local fanclub magazine has lapsed, I do check on ebay for any new Leia collectables - but never buy any, and I'm slowly forgetting my once cherished SW quotes.

*sniffles*

Crime in Melbourne

So...there was a fatal shooting in Melbourne yesterday. It brought the city to a standstill and terrified a lot of people. Why? Because gun crimes are rare in Australia - and because the person who died was a good samaratin who came to the aid of a young woman.

It occurred about 8.15am on the corner of Flinders Lane and William Street - thankfully the opposite end of the city from me (I've never been so glad to work just outside the CBD before). A man assaulted a young woman, dragging her by her hair, and when several people came to her rescue he pulled out a gun and shot at them. He then ran off and disappeared into the city...
Which is not reassuring, especially at hometime when you're in a crowded train and eyeing everyone and wondering "could he be the one?"

It also will make future good samaratins more wary about offering help. If someone can get killed or hospitalised because they stepped in to try and help, then I know that I'm going to have to seriously weigh up a situation before I ever offer my assistance.

Society takes another step towards becoming more disconnected and insular.

Weather Girl

The entirety of Melbourne was covered in fog this morning. I think it scared quite a few people as the streets were abandoned - but it makes for a much more interesting walk to the train station.
The fog has now lifted and the sky is completely clear but it's an icy blue - it LOOKS warm out there, but it's an illusion.
We have not left single digits today, it's currently 6 degrees (42 degrees faranheit for you Northen Hemispherers).
Sure you guys up there get snow & stuff - but for us southerners this is damn cold!

I'm going to heat up some ravioli and turn the toaster on to warm my hands!

Additional:

The ravioli was disgusting.

remind me again why I prefer winter over summer?

My hands are mini-iceblocks. The heating is not doing much, it's probably warmer in the office than outside - but not by much.

I have nothing else to say. Other than I'm cold.

*yawn*

People (and by people, I mean me) should not have to get out of bed before the sun is up. They should also not have to get out of bed before the sun has been up and warmed the world for a good long while.
Okay, preferably, I would like to stay in bed as long as I can. But I know that's not realistic so I'm just suggesting some alternatives! Surely they're viable?

I'm tired. I'm on iron tablets again because my iron has dropped and my anemia is back...if it really left me in the first place.
I fell asleep at work the other day. REALLY asleep, sitting up, eyes closed, boring database open onscreen. If I'd snored I might have been caught in the act. I have a strong feeling that sleep is not too far away today either, I may nod off yet.

I'm going back to the doctor on Friday and am going to ask if there are any alternatives that may give me some more energy, because last time I was on iron tablets I didnt notice a change. I've already increased my exercise (Bailey will now be getting daily walks), and we went & brought some slabs of red meat to try and naturally boost my iron consumption.

But...still tired....*yawn* night-night,,,

Kalma

No...not a spelling mistake, I'm not referring to the state of karma. But more kalma - the drug that Bailey is now on.
Yes. My dog is on drugs. Specifically a "valium" equivalent. The vet will be providing us with a training plan to help him out of his Separation Anxiety and if that still doesnt work he will need to see an animal behaviourist and possibly go on anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants. My dog. Yes you can laugh, I laughed and the vet looked at me weird.

Like mother, like puppy.

Separation Anxiety

The child is misbehaving. And by child I mean the boy dog that currently resides with us.

I came home last night to find a mess in the living room - he escaped his quarantined area by pounding down one of the safety gates and then proceeded to destroy what smelt the most like me.
In this case it was the cross stitch I am currently doing. He ripped a hole in the case I keep it in, pulled out everything from that little hole (he hasnt figured out zippers yet), tore up the pattern and even chewed to bits the wooden hoop I use.

I was nearly in tears - his saving grace from not being kept outside for the night were three things. I have a photocopy of the pattern, you're not meant to punish dogs after the fact as it causes MORE behavioural problems and the cross-stitch was untouched.
If the material and months of stitching had been ruined I would have been distraught.

The term for this behaviour is called "Separation Anxiety". Being pack animals, dogs have to be around their pack otherwise they feel abandoned. Symptoms include whining, crying, barking, scratching at doors and destructive behaviour.

I've brought safety gates and I dutifully put them up every morning before I leave, restricting him to a puppy-proofed area. I leave him toys and treats and things to do - but he seems to enjoy destroying things far more.
I went out and spent my Pets Paradise voucher on some new "ammo" today and I hope & pray that this might help.

Because if it doesnt, the dog is going to spend winter outside in the cold.

Stamp of Approval

I attended my Australian Citizenship interview this morning. I arrived presentably dressed and with all my relevant paperwork at 8.45am this morning.
I was surrounded by people in baggy trackpants and bare feet - I must've not gotten the memo about the required dress code.

I provided all my passports/birth certificates/criminal records (dont worry, it's blank) to my interviewer and after correctly answering what the rights and privileges of being an Aussie Citizen are - I got my stamp of approval.

I will be an Australian Citizen in another 3 months - have to wait for there to be a ceremony to get my official bit of paper. But I passed with flying colours - the green & gold kind.

Fixed!

Emails all working & fixed now if you'd like to email me (no pressure of course).

I got two birthday cakes yesterday - count 'em...TWO.
By the end of the night my stomach was feeling a bit cakey.

Presents received thus far:

• Audrey Hepburn Treasures Book
• Gilmore Girls Season 2 on DVD
• Peter Pan DVD
• $50 Pets Paradise Voucher (to be spent on a bed for Bailey - one that he hopefully wont pull the stuffing out of)

Very spoilt!

VladdyMail

Hey...what do you know?
I just have to log in a very complicated way and I can create a new post!

Vladdymail is current behaving badly - So sorry if any emails get bounced or if I seem like I'm ignoring you. I promise you, I'm not!
I just get a big fat error message every time I try to log in to my email so you know....not much fun.

I will get Vladdy on to fixing it tonight so hopefully all will be well on the 'morrow.

It's a Miracle!

After being in this new job for 2 months - and trying to access my blogger account at least once a week for that entire time - this is the first time I've managed to log in!
Whether it actually posts anything is yet to be seen...

I was hoping to keep my birthday quiet and non-eventful this year - it's just another day after all - but it seems to be out of my hands. My sister has blabbed (on purpose) to some people at work and now I'm doomed to awkward singing and a fuss tomorrow.

At least the week is coming to a close...and the busy period is about to come crashing on me.
I've a Citizenship Interview next Thursday (why yes sir, I'll be a dutiful Aussie).
A "Second Opinion" Doctor's appointment next Friday (please let there be a miracle cure).
And I'm also going to try & join up to some art classes that are run every Monday night - depending on whether I can get a slightly earlier finish from work so I can get there on time that is.
Maybe I'll try to organise that tomorrow and use my birthday girl status as leverage.

Happy Birthday to all the Taureans out there and thankyou for your birthday wishes, they are returned a hundred-fold.

caramel

I have a bowl of ice cream covered in home-made caramel sauce (sure to put anyone into a sugar coma) sitting beside me.
I am going to gorge myself on dessert & then go to bed as early as I can without turning myself into a Nana.

I dont really have much else to say

You Are a Cookie-Browine-Sundae

Totally sweet, delicious, and comforting. You are a total glutton for... everything!

What Kind of Sundae Are You?

sorry......

I'm sorry I have not been around or have disappeared. I'm sorry I am not being the supportive, caring person I wish to be.
Life is so busy and full of 100 niggling things that need to be done and need to be done so quickly, as if the world will end if they are not completed then and there.
Tiredness is now second nature and I wish I could crawl into bed at 7pm instead of having to attempt cooking dinner (which I suck at), cleaning up, running after a dog with boundless energy and fixing whatever mistakes he makes (pizza box into a thousand tiny pieces anyone?), making sure there are clean clothes for tomorrow, as well as trying to complete homework and maintain an excercise routine.

Is this what normal life is meant to be like? Being so tired you can no longer enjoy it?

Or is this just the exhuastion talking?

Second Opinion

It's been a long while since I last wrote, the new job has taken up a lot of my time. I've been learning a lot and coming home tired every night.
I seem to have everything under control now - and even got a commendation from one of the ladies I work with about how well I'm doing. Always nice to know that I'm not mucking up completely.

Where life has taken a horrid turn is that my doctor believes that I will be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. She is basing this decision on the fact that I have been unable to stop taking the pills for 2 days in a row.
She offered me no alternatives - despite me begging and almost breaking down and crying in her office. Just a simple message - give up trying.

I refuse to believe that this is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. I once lived without medicinal assistance, and I can do that again, so a second opinion is on the menu.

sick

I'm too tired and grumpy to write anything half reasonable or sensible.

I'm just sick of feeling sick - why? Because a year ago I needed some medical help to feel normal...and now that I've acheived some form of balance I am being punished for that temporary weakness. I now have to take pills to get over NOT taking pills. I'm on anti-nauseants to try and help ease the withdrawal symptoms of not taking the anti-depressants. But you know what? They work like shit. I still feel absolutely terrible and miserable and not at all like myself.

And guess what? I've only dropped my anti-depressants down by 2. I dont take 2 pills a week. There are still 5 others that I have to try and stop taking. And that is not going to happen easily - or at all. I think I might need at least a month off work to be able to actually acheive complete withdrawal. And that month will be spent in bed crying my eyes out and sleeping in between bouts of extreme vertigo, nausea, dizziness etc etc

I tried to stop taking a 3rd pill over the last long weekend, I ended up bawling in public on a train because I felt so terrible. The anti-nauseants didnt even make a dent in the nausea. And I took as many as I was allowed to take.

I'm now visiting the doctor (yet again) on Friday...and if she tells me that there is no other way around this...I think I might just break down and cry in the medical centre.

Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey

My new office is freezing - the air conditioning seems to be set at below zero and I have yet to have had a comfortable moment without goosebumps running up my arms.

And I do not take temperatures lightly. I have a very high body temperature, and am easily combustible. So any slight drop in temperature is met with a great sigh of relief as I cant normally regulate myself that well (stupid medication).

But this temperature! It's damn cold!

It seems that a blanket stowed away under my desk and perhaps some comfy slippers in my drawer are in order.

Either that or I'll slap the culprit who keeps fiddling with the thermostat.

Other than that the job seems fine, very straight forward and I know that I will be kept busy every day.
I also get the extreme pressure of knowing that if I muck up - a couple hundred people wont get paid.
Easy Peasy.

I am now arriving home overly sleepy and feeling like my brain has been sucked out of my head.

cross words

Is it really Friday?
It isnt just a figment of my imagination? Or a (an?) hallucination brought on by my drugs (or lack thereof)?

This has felt like such a long week. Every day has been harder to get through than the last. I have run out of things to do at work and now solve online crosswords, and no longer try to hide it from everyone else in the office.

Besides, I've only got one week left as an employee here...so what can they do? Fire me?

*sigh* and it is still on 2.37pm and I still have at least 2 more hours to get through....time to look up some new crosswords...

A Tiny Little Pill

Some of you may know, some of you may not - but I am on anti-depressants.
After feeling well and happy for quite some time now I made the decision that it was time to come off them and start myself on the next step in life - creating my own internal happy drug.

However I am having extreme issues in dealing with the "withdrawal" that I'm sure my doctor didnt plan on - as the schedule she gave me has yet to be followed.
I havent even managed to make it to the second step.

The Plan:

Week One and Two - stop taking ONE pill on a Saturday (resulting in nausea, dizziness and what is fondly referred to as "brain shivers" on Sunday)
Week Three and Four - stop taking TWO pills on Friday and Saturday.

I just cant do it. And there are still several other weeks and months AFTER this step to go.

The last two Saturdays I have broken down crying (oh yes...uncontrollable crying is another side effect) because I felt so terrible.
I can honestly say that I have never felt this bad in my entire life.
Broken finger? No problem.
Serious Flu? Piece of cake.
Mysterious virus that robbed me of my appetite for 3 weeks? Easy Peasy!

This is beyond anything I have ever felt or experienced before.

I have vertigo so I cant really walk anywhere without feeling like I'm going to lose my balance. I also find I can walk into walls very easily.
Dizzyness and "brain shivers" cause even further crashes into walls, or the inability to co-ordinate my limbs.
Nausea - I have yet to throw up and I am not looking forward to the moment I actually do accomplish this feat. I havent thrown up since I was a teenager (a fact I'm very proud of) and I dont particularly want to break this record, but every week I try this it is looking more and more likely.

And this is on top of the normal, every day side effects I get which include: rapid heart beat, hot flushes/night sweats and itchiness.

So basically I feel like absolute shite. I haven't managed two days off the medication because I feel so disgusting I give in and take a damn pill - and then after taking the damn pill I then get the side effects resulting from TAKING the damn pill (damn pill, damn pill, damn pill - okay it's out of my system now). So I've had to resort to sleeping through any dosage.

Pretty much my weekends have not been fantastic. I lie everytime anyone asks me if I had a good weekend - "oh yes it was fine."

I dont know how I'm going to do this. And I'm not sure how much longer Vladdy can keep mopping me up off the floor.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venlafaxine

Old Beginnings

I have a job!

Well...a new one.

It's back at my old company, working with an entirely different department, doing entirely different work - so I'm happy! No phones!
Even happier when they wanted me SO badly they upped the pay rate.
Super happy when I didnt have to answer any silly questions at the interview - my history apparantly spoke for itself!

I got decidedly UN-happy when my current place of employment decided that 3 weeks wasnt enough notice and that they would try and jeopardise my new position by negotiating for me to stay here for a bit longer.

I dont understand. Truly I dont. I sit here and do nothing for hours at a time - and they think I'm an essential part of the company?
Can they not see that I NEED to go and move on and learn something new?
And most importantly - I no longer want to fall asleep at my desk?

I just have to stick to my principles - tell them that I have no leeway and that my mind is made up!

Monday Morning

It is Monday Morning, 10.26am, and I have just finished all of my work.

I have 13 emails in my work inbox. They're all actioned, I just cant delete them until I have final confirmation.

I have searched through my "to do" folder - and there is one lonely piece of paper in there, which requires me to remove a single entry from a database on the 26 Feb.

I have archived and filed to the extreme - I have destroyed so many ancient files that I have managed to remove two giant folders from my desk. So there is a bit more space now to spread out my non-existent work.

And I HATE being bored - I mean I'd rather it was BUSY and I had too much stuff to do, because at least then I'd feel useful and not a waste of space.

Another job interview at 1pm today...at least that will keep me busy for a while.

My Valentines Evening

Exit train station and cross through the bus stop to the road
Notice that a lady in black is following just a little bit behind me and we are both looking left & right to see if it is clear to cross
It is clear to cross so I make my dash across the road and make it to the safety of the cars parked on the other side when I hear the sickening sound of brakes, shattering glass and a thud.

Turn to see a car smoking, windsheild smashed and the lady in black on the ground.
The drivers and passengers of the vehicle (all young teenage hoons, scruffily dressed) jump out. Several of them turn back to the car to hide distinctive VB-green cans under the seats.
I stare in horror for a second before running over to see if I can help.

Lady's head is cushioned on someones knee - someone else is picking up her strewn items (including a crushed box of Valentines chocolates), while about 5 different people are calling for an ambulance/cops/help.
I mill around unsure of what to do - do I stay? I saw them hiding beer cans - which means they were most likely drunk at the time. Do I go? I didnt see the entire thing - but the lady was JUST behind me, and when I crossed the road and it was CLEAR, which means they were speeding.

It also means that if I was any slower in crossing the road I would've been the one on the ground.

The ambulance turns up first and quickly assesses the damage, the witnesses mill about not sure of what to do or how long to wait for the Police to turn up.
It is learned that myself and one other person are the only real people who knew what happened - so we huddle under the bus stop out of the hot sun and keep an eye on the roads for a cop car.

The cop car turns up - not what we expect, it's a lime green traffic car, not the normal blue and white flashing lights scenario at all.
A statement is taken from the driver who is waving his arms about emphatically, his pimply face is bright red. The cop closely inspects the shattered windscreen.

Another train load of passengers arrives & pour out into the bus stop area and starts ogling the mess before them. My eyes are focused on the cop, waiting for my turn.
He calls out for witnesses and myself and the other witness step forward.

I describe that she was just behind me and I crossed the road only seconds before her - AND IT WAS COMPLETELY CLEAR TO CROSS.
I also detail the distinctive VB-green cans getting stuffed back into the car.

The cop writes it all down, nods and heads to his car pulling out the breathalizer. I watch as my only real witnessy act is proven - the driver of the car is taken away as he is over the limit.

The remaining passengers of the car involved in the accident then proceed to get louder and more hostile (just even FURTHER proving that alcohol was involved) and start making overtures to myself and the other witness.
I believe the "C" word that rhymes with "hunt" was used in reference to myself.

Hitting redial on my mobile I called Vladdy for a pick up - no way I was walking home by myself while these guys were starting to pump themselves up in readiness for any kind of fight they could get - especially when the cop was trying to get the driver strapped into his car to take him to the station.
I'm afraid that my bravado is not that good when faced with 4 drunken yobo's with nothing better to do than speed around public areas and hit people.

I'm afraid my valentines night was a bit of a bust...because after that I didnt feel so romantic...more spooked out.

BUT I had to write it down somewhere. In case one day I actually get a call from the cops and am asked to remember EXACTLY what happened.....

How many interviews is too much?

This is a question I wish to throw out to the universe...

I have just completed my Third interview for this job I am aiming for (technically four if you count the phone interview, but that is just complicating things). I have had One interview with the Recruitment Agency and Two with the Company doing the hiring itself.

I just got informed on my exit out of this most recent interview that they were most likely going to run a Fourth interview.

I'm beginning to get a bit tired of the process of running around to attend short interviews...is it because I'm not entirely what they want or need and they keep hoping I'll turn up at the next interview with oodles of new experience to add?
Or are they just realllly slow at making decisions?!
Maybe they have short term memory loss & cant remember what each person looks like and have to be reminded once a week?

I dont know...at least I'm getting lots of experience with job interviews...I should be an expert by the end of February.

Nervous Adrenalin

I have a job interview tomorrow. I have already okayed my disappearance from the office at 4pm tomorrow with my temporary "team leader" who has also offered me advice on what to wear (Shirt, High Heels & if possible a Suit).

I now just have to get over the jitters - I managed to survive the phone interview. So surely I can survive the face to face interview right?

It sounds like a nice job - one I could happily turn up to every day without too much complaint. It's also a day job that starts at 9.30am every day! I might actually get time to have breakfast in the morning before I leave the house....
But then I shouldnt get ahead of myself. I have to get through the job interview first and see what happens from there.

What an exciting life I lead....

I am bored out of my skull.
I wish I could say that was an exaggeration - but my brain is actually pressing on the back of my head in an attempt to escape.
It's causing a boredom headache as a side-effect of it's bid for freedom.

I have no work. I've done it all. No one has any work to give me (because they're all bored out of their skulls too and are trying to preserve whatever work they have for themselves).
One manager will probably give me the most horrible assignment on the face of the planet this afternoon to try and complete in record time...but other than that the days and weeks ahead are looking empty and dull.

On the upside...my company is being taken over in 2 months time, and I really cannot follow on to it's new location (my family were trying to convince me to move to the new office - until they actually saw how far away it really is. Can I say I told you so?). Given that I have to provide 4 weeks notice, it looks like I will be handing in my resignation in the next few weeks. At least that will end the boredom right?

To top that all off - I have no alternative job prospects. I have applied for several jobs and have not heard a single thing back from any of them.
Today I have submitted my resume at my old company (NO I'm not silly enough to apply for a phone job - it's for a Data Co-ordinator, NO phone work required). So maybe given my previous work history etc I might get that.

Here's hoping - because I have just signed up to complete a Certificate in Professional Writing & Editing (cost: $1,000) and those who are close to me or who have heard the horror story I am now in the process of getting a root canal (cost: $1,200). So unemployment is not really an option!

New Years Resolutions?

I dont have any New Years Resolutions.
None that I consciously made - just going to continue my effort to get healthier, to lose the extra weight I've put on and to figure out my future.

Surely this doesnt seem too hard?

Certain parts of my life are set and I know where I'm headed in that regard - I've got the romance side of things relatively covered. Just have to work on the rest of the life ahead.

Mainly what am I going to be doing during business hours to support my need for food, clothing & DVDs?